If it got you high, I probably did it at some point, to some people they say that with a subtle look or gleam of pride, almost as though to say “yeah – been there done that”
That was never what drugs were to me, to me they were learning tools. In much the same way that a tool helps you to tighten a bolt, or jack up a car. Drugs were my way of using something to do something the body could not do without it.
Many people don’t understand this, and to them I say, lift a car with no tools…. Fix a motorbike with just your hands…. hell, build a bridge out of nothing but clay.
The human body and indeed the human being, is only as good as the tools at their disposal. Jimi Hendrix could never have been a great guitarist if he never picked up a guitar. He would have played the shit out of a diddly bow though, lol.
Tools for the mind are games, word games, puzzle games, whatever you enjoy playing.
What of the soul?
What tools are there for the religious experience? Im not talking about a cross or a religious symbol, those hardly mean anything to the wrong person and are often given way too much veneration by the ones they do mean something to. In other words, one mans religious stash is another mans religious trash. I shall illustrate this more clearly in an upcoming article entitled Tears For The Past. Look out for it.
So what of the soul or of consciousness, it is famously said by religious scholars that too often people look to heaven for earthly comforts when that is not the sort of comforts they deal in. What even is a spiritual “award”? or even reward for that matter? Can it be quantified? or like most religious things can they only be felt by someone willing to give themselves over to the god in question. This is my experience with drugs, and indeed talk to anyone who has had a good experience with drugs and walked away from it and they will explain it in much the same way a religious person does. By saying it needs to be felt & cannot really be explained.
But this article is not about using, its about me stopping and most importantly why.
So like I said, I have used nearly everything, I can name the ones I havent easier than the ones I have, I have never tried, nor desire to – any forms of pill substances aside from ecstacy. By that I refer to opioids. Happy pills, poppers and the like never appealed to me. They seemed like sissy drugs, things people took in order to feel good without having to commit to actually taking anything hardcore. I also have never smoked a godamn tea bag, hahahaha, one of my cousins actually did. What a loser.
If you have ever watched trainspotters, I feel like that one guy who could use any drug no matter how addictive and will themselves to stop. I never needed any addiction counselling or any of that rehab bullshit, though I definitely see the need for them, I feel the people who do that are very weak minded people who should never have taken drugs to begin with, in much the same way, I would never advise that person to get involved a religion. Because they are not in it sincerely to learn, they want something out of it. Be it peace of mind or their prayers answered. People who use drugs just to get high are losers. Getting high is the bonus, a euphoric feeling rushes over you, in an instant, it is just you and god. You and the experience. No one can understand it but you.
I stopped for my own mental wellbeing as well as for my work, this one as well as others. It just took up too much of time. I have been keeping journals for more or less ten years of my life now, not consistenly written down, but stored away in my head. Most are written down, and last year I actually started writing all down in actual journals. More importantly, it wasnt fun anymore, the thrill was gone so to speak.
I hated that.
Because like I said I always loved it, every drug was a new experience and I was really after the after effects, I didnt care much for the drugs but rather for what doors of perception they would open up for me. Once I was sober again. I liked the way they affected my thinking retroactively, like a video game character scaling a high place to reveal new treasures and locations, I too revelled in the newly found perspectives I had gained and foremost, revealing the areas that had previously seemed dark to me. I hate not being able to empathise. I hate not being able to feel what someone is going through.
Obviously I cant go through everything a person has ever experienced, but I would like to reveal as much of that mental map as I can, and have put myself in somewhat detrimental situations in order to establish that empathy with people who usually are given none. It is for this reason that I quit now, all of them, aside for the occasional sip of wine or gin when going out for dinner & cigarettes. I am clean.
I have been since March 16th.
So thats 26 days counting today, I don’t count though, because it isnt difficult for me.
I say this because I grew my own cannabis and that has been my drug for the better part of three years. At the beginning of march and a few weeks of late february I had thrown away and smoked my last stash. Had I not, I would have had enough to comfortably stay getting high for the rest of the year and well into the next one. Though I had been trying to quit before, I didnt do it as drastically as I did this time, before I would keep a stash just in case I wanted to smoke. Obviously that feeling never subsided so I ended up getting high anyways. But now I have none, which brings me to the lockdown and what I mentioned in the previous article about the cigarettes, in my country the sale of alcohol and tobacco has been prohibited for the duration of the lockdown, lets just say, if I believed in god, this would be a sign from the heavens to stop and move on. Almost like the universe itself is urging my cold turkey behaviour. They do say that when you truly want something that the whole universe will move to make it happen for you.
It seems that has happened for me, and now with the increased lockdown duration, I will be absolutely devoid of all substance until the end of april, which excites me greatly.
I am already writing more, and when Im not craving cigarettes to alleviate the boredom or just to relax, I play and instrument or indulge in other rewarding activities like reading and studying.
I love learning new stuff.
I am proud of myself, and now I can rub it it everyones face who thinks that rehab is the only answer. It isnt.
I am living proof of that.
Just replace, see a need fill – a need as Bigweld says. Need a hit of heroin? Play some Call Of Duty. Need a hit of weed? Play some guitar. Need a smoke? Drink some fucking tea.
Addiction is all in the mind, we are creatures of habit and whatever habits you make will be yours alone to break.
Im finally out though, unplugged from the matrix.
A Free Soul.
Got to admit, feels good man. Feels good.
You know what would feel even better?
Some weed, hahahahaha.
The battle is never over & we never conquer our demons, we only learn to live above them.